


You Made Me Love You

by a_scholar



Series: You Made Me Love You [1]
Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Persuasion - Jane Austen, Sauli Koskinen RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Jane Austen Fusion, Alternate Universe - Regency, Crossover, M/M, Romance, Smut, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-23
Updated: 2017-06-25
Packaged: 2018-11-18 03:29:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11282874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_scholar/pseuds/a_scholar
Summary: A crossover with Jane Austen's Persuasion. No prior knowledge necessary.Seven years earlier Sauli Koskinen, the son of a baronet, has refused the proposal of a young officer of the navy. They meet again as the officer returns, now a wealthy and successful man looking to marry.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I badly needed something different after the last fic, which completely drained me. This is pure escapism and indulgence for me, some light fun. An alternative Regency era England where homosexuality is accepted. Contains more anachronisms than historical facts. I've mixed some real life names with names in the novel (eg. for story purposes Elisse is Adam's sibling here instead of Neil). Parts are lifted from or inspired by Persuasion and its film versions, especially the newer one, but a lot of stuff is invented.
> 
> I've read several Pride & Prejudice crossovers in different fandoms, but never a Persuasion one. Surprisingly, since it's arguably a better novel and love story, and you don't have to make one of your characters act OOC by turning him into a hypocritical dick - said with love as I do love P&P, even if Persuasion is my favourite.

”No, absolutely not.”

Sauli resists the urge to roll his eyes at the stubbornness of his father, Sir Walter.

His father his outraged. ”You mean I should have an admiral as a tenant, a navy man living in my house?”

The poor vicar, who is presenting this news to Sauli's father, must have been filled with confidence that his news would be greeted with joy. Sauli could have informed him that his father detests all military men, and would very much prefer to have a gentleman leasing his house, now that he's forced to let it out to someone.

Sir Walter has been living beyond his means for years and is now in deep financial trouble. After proving unable to cut his expenses, he's luckily chosen not to sell the family estate of Kellynch Hall but to lease it and move to the town of Bath. It's a relief, since for some time Sauli was afraid they would lose the estate entirely. He doesn't much care about the family name or anything of that sort anymore, but he loves his home. Sauli would have preferred his father to choose a small house nearby, but his father and elder sister, who are very much alike in their vain and shallow temperaments, are excited about the social opportunities of Bath.

The reason for Sir Walter's despisal of military men does not have any rational reason behind it. He very simply values only heritage and appearances, and holds the stubborn opinion that military men are coarse in their manner and appearance, weather-beaten and plain, without good heritage or connections. He pays so much importance on titles and family history, and in Sauli's eyes he's almost comically proud of his title of baronet. It's quite hypocritical of his father to despise military men, because their curious family name Koskinen has military roots. It's of foreign origin, the first holder of that name having been a mercenary officer from the Swedish kingdom, the name itself deriving from the Finnish language and having something to do with rapids, if Sauli remembers correctly. His father is almost obsessed with the family history and has even wanted to give Finnish names that appear in the family tree to all of his three children, to Sauli and his older sister Salla and younger sister Sara. Sauli never knew what his sweet and gentle, long dead mother thought of it all.

He tunes out of the conversation. The vicar and Sauli's godmother Lady Russell are trying to persuade Sir Walter, and it does sound like he's slowly giving way. Sauli is tired and stressed after having taken care of most of the planning for packing their belongings, giving directions to their servants and running all over the place. It goes against his natural tendencies and his fun-loving and joyful nature—well, the one he used to have at least, in his youth. He's not terribly practical and good at handling a million little things at once, but someone has to step up and take care of things his father leaves unattended. He's not even going to Bath himself, not yet anyway. His sister Sara lives nearby, so he wants to stay with her family as long as their hospitality allows.

It's hot in the garden where they're having this conversation, and he wishes he could take off his brown long-tailed coat, but that would be quite inappropriate and his father is very strict about etiquette.

Sauli knows he should be angry about his father spending away his eventual inheritance, but he can't make himself care. It feels pointless. He's long ago resigned to tolerating the differences between him and his father and accepting the unavoidable. At this point he doubts he'll ever get married. His sister is the elder child, and it's expected that she should make a good match as well, but as the only male heir it should be Sauli's duty to find a profitable union. Because of all the debts, he would need to find a wealthy spouse, otherwise it won't make a speck of difference to preserving Kellynch Hall.

His father has oftentimes suggested he could also look for a young woman with a large inheritance, if it's easier than finding a wealthy husband, but Sauli knows he can't. Even though he's certain he'll never fall in love again, marrying a woman would feel like too much of a pretense. He's turning 30, so his chances are rapidly getting smaller and smaller. Men often marry later, of course, but those are men with a career, with a fortune. Sauli has neither, being the son of a gentleman who has never made it possible for him to pursue anything useful, leaving him in the position of someone to whom a marriage proposal would be made instead of being at liberty to offer it to someone himself. His future is fast proving to be penniless. If he truly wants to save his family estate, his only hope at this point is to attract a wealthy man who is seeking a husband with a good name, title and estate, but doesn't mind the debts.

It's very conflicting, what is expected of him and what he actually wants. Some days he feels sympathy towards his father's plight over the estate, and wants to protect it for the sake of his mother's memory. But other times he can't bother. What does it really matter to him, any of it? He lost his only chance of happiness seven years ago. After his father dies, he could be content living with little, living a simple life, alone. It's already talked about in the local society and accepted as a fact that he's unlikely to ever find a husband, that window having already closed. But Sauli has already let other people dictate what he should and shouldn't do with his life, one crucial time. He strokes the tattoo on his hand, the foreign word people often ask him about.

Suddenly a name catches his attention and he looks up sharply.

”Croft? Did you say Croft?”

”Yes, the new tenant,” the vicar says. ”Admiral Croft. Do you know the family?”

”Yes. I mean, no. It's just, I'm familiar with his career.” He feels faint. ”Excuse me.”

He leaves the others who are looking bewildered and returns to the house, almost running up the stairs to his room. His thoughts are in disarray. He takes off his coat and loosens his cravat, feeling like he's choking. He sits down on the bed but has no time to calm his thoughts before there's a knock on the door and his godmother follows him in.

”Are you alright?” Lady Russell asks, sitting down. ”What on earth is the matter, Sauli?”

”I'm quite alright, there's no need to worry.”

”Who is Admiral Croft? Is there some connection here?”

”Admiral Croft's wife is—she is sister to Captain Adam Lambert.”

Silence. His godmother is one of only three people who know the history, his father and elder sister being the other two, but none of them are aware of the connection of the Croft and Lambert families.

”Lambert?” Lady Russell finally gasps out. ”Oh, Sauli.”

”It has caught me by surprise, that is all. That he might soon walk in our home. But I'm quite alright like I said.”

”Sauli. A young navy officer with no fortune or name. And the war was coming... You know it was a most unsuitable match. Your father didn't approve. He would have never accepted a union to someone below his social status.”

”I know. I know you didn't approve, either.”

He doesn't look at his godmother, and the silence is awkward. It's no use getting angry at her, however. What they're talking about is long past, and Sauli has only himself to blame. He let himself be persuaded of the impossibility of the marriage. Let himself be persuaded to choose his father and family over his one chance of happiness. And for what—no one ”better” has come his way. He was fairly young at the time, only twenty-two, but he should have been wiser.

”I don't blame you,” he continues. ”You did your duty as a godmother.”

"You're still young and handsome, you'll find someone. If you're sure you don't want a wife...” Lady Russell trails off.

He sighs. "Yes, I'm as positive as I have always been on that subject."

"Well, then I'm sure you'll find a good husband."

"I'm turning 30. Isn't my time already over?" It would be hard to deny it and he doesn't wait for an answer. ”If I was in the same position as I was seven years ago, if I was able to make that choice again, I can tell you that I think quite differently now than I did back then.”

”Oh, Sauli.” She sounds very anguished now. ”I've done my best to offer counsel and guide you in your mother's place. Breaking off the engagement was the only sensible thing to do.”

”I would have been happier.”

”You were only twenty-two. He was very capable and brilliant, surely, but with no connections, no future.”

”It may have been so, but he's made his fortune in the navy now. He's been commended and he's exceedingly wealthy.” Navy is after all the easiest way for men to rise through social ranks.

”Has Captain Lambert—has he written to you?”

”No, never.” He resents the quiet sigh of relief from his godmother. ”I know only what I've read from newspapers.”

”Well. If he was serious about his affections for you, would he not have written to you long ago after his prospects had improved?”

Yes. Sauli has thought about it often enough to know that she's right. It only surprises him that he hasn't seen a marriage announcement in the newspapers, but then it's entirely possible that it has only slipped past him and a marriage has already taken place.

She leaves the room after that, patting his shoulder as she goes. She probably feels guilty after finding out that Sauli is still so affected by all of this, but he knows she doesn't regret the advice she pushed on him back then, with good intentions.

He falls to lie on his back on the bed.

Adam.

A memory of a wicked grin comes to him. White teeth flashing, soft lips. A tall figure with black hair. He can almost hear a melodic voice, a laugh, but it's fleeting and escapes him the more he tries to reach it. It's been over seven years, and it's hard to remember someone's appearance in full after all that time. You think you remember, but the more you try to picture the details the more you realise you're not sure. What colour were his eyes again?

But even the vague thought of Adam makes him smile sadly. Over the years the pain has mostly transformed into a dull ache, but it flares up every now and then, gripping him so hard he can't breathe.

He traces the tattooed word on his hand. Because of his ancestry it's always easy to explain the Scandinavian word as something to do with family history, and no one can guess it to have held a private meaning between Sauli and his one-time sweetheart.

Their engagement was so brief. He'll never forget the look on Adam's face when he'd told him he couldn't accept the offer of marriage after all. He had hurt Adam so deeply in that moment, but he hopes and believes the pain was only temporary for Adam. For himself, though, the pain came belatedly and never left. At the time the foremost thought in his mind had been the terrible task of having to tell Adam his decision, and only afterwards did the consequence of that decision become clear to him—what he'd done to himself and Adam both.

Only twice has he gone through the letters they exchanged all those years ago. He's kept them all. Reading them brings on the most intense pain, but there is also a tiny comfort in knowing that once—most likely for the only time in his life—he was loved that much. Even though he can't really bear reading them now, he sometimes takes the neat pile of letters from a locked chest and touches them, looks at Adam's handwriting on the front.

\---

His father and Salla leave for Bath. Sauli is the last to leave Kellynch Hall, riding his favourite horse, the belongings that he needs with him being driven by a servant on a cart. Sara and her husband Charles Musgrove's home is much smaller and simpler. Charles isn't a tremendously wealthy man, but he comes from a respectable family, and is able to provide well enough for his own family, which now includes two small boys.

”There you are, finally. I've been so lonely, I haven't seen anyone all morning,” Sara says the moment Sauli walks in. She doesn't possess the same vanity and coldness of heart that their father and elder sister have, but definitely shares the self-interested nature while simultaneously having no self-awareness at all. She's lying on a couch, covered with blankets. ”I am so sick, I feel like I'm dying.”

She doesn't actually look very sick at all, and Sauli just smiles while taking a seat on the couch and pinching her cheek. He can't share his worries over their father and home with her, let alone his more private sorrows. She's always been too uninterested in other people's thoughts and feelings for that.

”Charles is out hunting,” she says. ”I don't believe he'd care one bit if I was to actually die.”

”He would, don't be silly.” Sauli genuinely likes Charles, who's easy to be around with. The feeling is mutual, and once had been even stronger on Charles' side. Before the marriage to Sara, Charles had made his interest in Sauli known. People must have thought Sauli was foolish to refuse, but there was no way he could accept. It had become about only a year after he'd last seen Adam, and he was still entirely too in love. Besides, he'd only ever thought of Charles as a friend. Even though he knew Charles to go for both men and women, the proposal to Sara that followed had come as a bit of a surprise. But Sauli had supported it wholeheartedly. It really is a good match for Sara, and he hopes Charles remains patient and good-natured enough to put up with her.

Despite her proclaimed sickness, Sara is soon up and eating late breakfast with a good appetite.

”How is everyone at the great house?” Sauli asks, meaning the larger house nearby which is Charles' family home.

”I suppose they're well, though how should I know since they haven't been to see me. I'm sure they'll come now that you're here.” As soon as Sara has finished saying this, Sauli hears laughter outside. The door bursts open and Charles' younger siblings Louis and Henrietta come in, flying to embrace Sauli. Both of them are taller than him.

”Oh my Lord, who are these young adults, I hardly recognise you. I haven't seen you in ages.”

”Sauli, you must come to see mother and us right now, you can't believe how exciting news we have,” eighteen-year-old Henrietta babbles while Louis, who must be nearing twenty, winks at him.

Once seated at the grand old house they're all joined by Charles, his father, and the two little boys returned from the hunting trip, so Sauli finds himself with the boys sitting on his knees. It's a much happier crowd of people than his own family, and he's able to smile and laugh. His smile fades a little, though, when the talk turns into the Musgroves looking forward to meeting their new neighbours, the new tenants of Kellynch Hall.

”Oh! This was the exciting news I mentioned!” Henrietta shouts over the noise. ”We have just heard that Mrs. Croft has a brother, a navy captain who has just returned to England and is arriving to stay with the Crofts at Kellynch Hall. We have also heard that he is the handsomest man in the navy and very unattached,” Henrietta says with so much excitement she can barely contain herself.

Sauli is glad that he's sitting down. It's unavoidable now. They're going to meet. He hasn't married.

”Calm down, now,” Mr. Musgrove says. ”You are all going to see this captain sooner than you think. Tomorrow night, in fact,” Mr. Musgrove says, putting down a letter he's just finished reading. ”When they all come to dinner. They have just accepted my invitation.”

\---

In the evening of the following day Sauli is so nervous that his hands shake as he's getting ready. He's curling his blond hair carefully. It's been so long that he wonders what Adam looks like. Back then Adam's hair had been black, but Sauli knew he dyed it. He might still be doing that. What will Adam see? Sauli doesn't think he's changed much himself. His hair might have been shorter, but he had curled it back then also. His features might have been a bit softer, whereas now his jawline looks very chiseled. He usually keeps a very short stubble now.

Yelling from outside interrupts his thoughts. He goes downstairs and sees Charles come in, carrying the younger one of his little boys.

”He fell from a tree.”

A surgeon is called, but luckily it seems that the boy is not harmed. He absolutely shouldn't be left alone, though, in case complications arise.

Sara makes a scene. She's yelling almost hysterically, clearly crestfallen if she has to stay with her son instead of meeting the exciting new people. Charles is getting angry, his face turning red.

Sauli sighs in resignation, knowing if he makes the sacrifice it's the easiest solution for everyone.

"Everyone be quiet, stop quarreling. I can look after him. I don't mind."

"Really?! It's so kind of you, Sauli. You're always the one to save the day. In fact, it's probably much better that it's you instead of me taking care of him. You don't worry like a doting parent does, do you? You don't have a parent's feelings.”

So. The others leave for the great house and he's left alone with both boys. In other circumstances it's true he perhaps wouldn't mind it that much. He's always liked children, although most of the time he would prefer a lively social gathering. He spends a quiet evening with the boys and Charles' hunting dogs, settled in front of a fireplace. He gets them some sweets from the kitchen and they draw, and he makes shadow animals on the wall—the boys say everything he makes looks like a bunny. He can't stop thinking about everyone else at the dinner, meeting the much talked about Captain Lambert. It hurts. They're probably listening to his tales from the sea, laughing. At first he thinks it's very unlikely Sara or anyone else would bring up Sauli's name, but then he realises someone must mention the scare the little boy caused, and who's keeping an eye on him now.

\---

It's the following morning, and Sauli is just finishing breakfast with Sara.

”He did ask something about you, after I told that you had kindly volunteered to look after Charles junior,” Sara says. ”By the way, he made friends with Charles the senior right away.”

Louis and Henrietta arrive with much noise at that moment.

"Sauli! You can't believe how handsome Captain Lambert is." Louis plops down onto a chair next to him.

Louis is beautiful. He has porcelain skin and pouty red lips, chestnut hair, long and slim arms and legs. Long ago Sauli had figured he was gay, even before Louis had announced it to everyone.

"I swear I was almost drooling on myself. Absolutely jaw-droppingly gorgeous. I'm going to be putty in his hands if he even looks in my direction. Ugh, everything about him. Sooo charming, so wonderful to talk to. He's definitely at least bi if not gay. And the money! He's even wealthier than we've heard."

Henrietta nods along. ”I could hardly stop staring at him! And we've all been invited to dine at Kellynch Hall tomorrow, even you.”

Charles comes quickly down the stairs with two rifles in his hands. "Is he here already? We're going hunting."

"Who?" Sara asks her husband.

In that instant Sauli sees someone arrive at the open door, a tall figure.

"Oh, Captain Lambert! Do come in," Sara says.

Sauli feels like his heart is stopping, but he stands up, gripping the edge of the table for support.

"I'm sorry, the door was open. I hope the boy feels better now?"

That voice. A warm, rich sound. It's Adam.

”Much better, yes, thank you,” Charles responds.

Sauli is staring, and Adam turns, his eyes finding Sauli, zeroing in.

Adam looks so different. His hair is brown, with some lighter highlights, styled to form a swirl on his forehead. His cheeks and chin are covered in neat stubble. He looks lean and strong, healthy, softness and baby fat of youth gone. The bottle green coat suits him well, the snow white cravat tied in a fashion Sauli hasn't seen before. Louis was right. He's the most breathtakingly gorgeous man Sauli has ever seen, and that alone would be enough to make him lose his composure, but this is Adam. _Adam_ , after all this time, looking right at him with wide eyes. There's a small tremor going all over Sauli's body and his limbs feel numb, like he could collapse at any second. Adam's eyes, blue-green in this light, look utterly serious, his mouth a thin line.

"Oh, Captain Lambert, this is my older brother Sauli."

Adam looks at him for a moment longer and bends his head in a small bow before turning to look at Sara. "We have met before."

Sauli tries to find his voice. ”Captain Lambert,” he says as a greeting in a husky voice.

”Really, you've met?” Sara asks, raising her eyebrows, and Sauli knows she's annoyed she hasn't heard anything about this before. ”When was that?”

”A—a long time ago,” Sauli says, his heart hammering fast. ”You were at school.”

Adam and Sauli glance at each other once more before Adam turns to the other people, his expression transforming completely into a warm, bright grin. It takes Sauli's breath away, even though it's not directed at him. He remembers that smile.

He can only stand there frozen and look while the others gather around Adam, who's talking with them amiably, his voice rising and falling in a musical way. Sauli's relatives are hanging onto Adam's every word, laughing at everything he says. Sauli notices Adam is wearing curious fingerless gloves. They must be in fashion somewhere, but he's certain the reason behind them is to hide the tattoo Sauli knows is on Adam's right hand. Of course he would want to hide it. Otherwise it would instantly reveal a connection between them.

”How is your hunting, Louis? Are you good at handling weapons?” Adam asks, smirking at Louis.

”Oh, I think I have a firm grip on guns. But I'm sure you could teach me some tricks, being a navy man and all.”

Adam throws his head back in laughter. Right.

Charles and Adam leave soon after that, and Sauli feels he can breathe at last. When he's finally back in his room he squeezes his hands into fists and fights back tears. Goddamnit.

Adam hasn't forgiven him. That much is clear. Hasn't forgiven how poorly he was treated, how Sauli had assured him of his love and yet gone back on his word. Sauli saw how coldly Adam looked at him, how cheerfully he looked at the others. They are strangers to each other now. But they have met, so the worst is over. He knows what Adam thinks of him now, and he'll only have to endure it.

\---

For the second time Sauli is getting ready for a dinner where he'll face Adam. He looks at himself in the mirror, his curly hair and serious face. People who have known him for a long time always say he's changed from his youth. ”Oh, he used to be so joyful, like sunshine! Always spreading happiness around him,” they say. He supposes it's true, but he didn't have anything weighing him down in his youth, even though dealing with his mother's death was obviously difficult. He remembes feeling generally carefree, optimistic about the future, and stupidly happy once he'd met Adam. He knows he's more quiet and withdrawn now, although he hasn't completely lost his nature and is able to laugh and have fun with his closest friends. He hasn't lost his curiosity about the world, which he's seen so little of, or his good will towards people.

He reties his white cravat again and makes sure the navy blue coat is spotless. It's the most common colour of evening coats, but he knows it really brings out his eyes.

A carriage takes them to Kellynch Hall, where Sauli is finally introduced to the Crofts, Admiral Neil Croft and his wife Elisse. They seem like delightful people, and Sauli immediately feels at ease with them. Then he sees Adam enter the room. He's wearing his uniform. A deep blue coat with white lapels, gold embroidery and gold buttons. A black neck cloth, epaulettes on his shoulders. White breeches that lace below the knees, with white stockings. The uniform looks amazing on Adam.

Elisse sees where he's looking. ”Adam! Come here. Let me introduce you. Mr Koskinen, this is my brother, Captain Adam Lambert.”

They bow at each other yet again. Sauli looks Adam in the eye. "Captain Lambert and I have met each other.” He pauses before adding, "Yesterday."

”Oh! You could have told me, Adam,” Elisse says, but Adam remains quiet, looking at Sauli. It's a serious and intense look.

”It must be so strange for you to arrive at your own home as a guest,” Neil says, and Sauli turns his gaze to him, aware that Adam is still looking at him.

”Oh, no. I'm happy to know the house is in such good hands.”

”Well. You're welcome to visit us anytime you like, whenever you miss your home,” Elisse says, taking Sauli's arm and walking him to the dinner table.

Sauli ends up seated on the other side of the table from Adam, but thankfully not directly opposite. During the dinner he drinks several glasses of wine in an effort to calm his nerves and loosen his tongue. It works, and he feels relaxed enough to take part in the conversation around him, asking Neil and Elisse a lot of questions since they've travelled extensively—Elisse, too, and it's rare for a woman to travel with her seafaring husband. During Sauli's brief engagement to Adam Neil and Elisse were actually in the East Indies, and it seems that Adam has never told them about any of it.

He catches a snippet of a conversation, of Adam telling Louis and Henrietta about the first ship he'd captained before it sunk. It reminds Sauli of the countless times he'd been afraid during the war, the horrible sick feeling in his stomach, not knowing whether Adam was alive, obsessively going over newspapers searching for his name.

Adam is making everyone around him laugh. It's insane to think that he's not married yet, so successful and wealthy and looking impossibly handsome in his uniform. As if in an answer to his thoughts Adam turns to his sister.

"Elisse, you'll be relieved to hear I have decided to settle down."

"Have you indeed? Well, that's certainly good news to every fine-looking young man in these parts."

There's a disappointed sigh. "Are only young men to be the lucky ones?" Henrietta asks.

Adam gives a short laugh and rubs his neck at this.

Sauli thinks it should be obvious to everyone that Adam is gay. He thinks he's obvious himself, too, but in a different way. Adam has such a flair around him, but then, straight people are often not as astute, and in any case even if Henrietta has heard rumours and made observations, she has probably hoped that Adam might be open to both sexes.

"Oh, the young lady seems disappointed," Louis teases his sister.

"I shall dance with all the ladies and entertain them to their heart's content, I can promise that,” Adam says laughing.

”What is your type, then?” Louis asks while Henrietta clearly swats at him under the table.

”Oh, I'm weak for a pretty face. A pretty face only needs to smile at me and I'm a goner.” Loud laughter ensues around the table. ”Someone smart and funny, too. But in all honesty, what I want the most is someone who knows his own mind. Someone confident in his decisions, who doesn't change his mind on a whim and toy with your feelings.”

It's a rebuke.

Adam doesn't look anywhere close to where Sauli is sitting, but he knows Adam is talking about him. To him. And he's the only one in the room who knows it.

Is that what Adam thinks of him? Has thought all these years, hating him? Sauli does deserve the rebuke, entirely, but Adam isn't correct in his insinuation. He thinks Sauli was only playing, accepting and then refusing him on a whim. He doesn't know that Sauli broke his own heart as well. That he hasn't stopped thinking about Adam for a single—

He realises he's gripping the wine glass so hard he'll break it if he doesn't stop.

After dinner he has to take a short break outside to breathe in fresh air and calm his feelings. He joins the others in the drawing room. Adam doesn't really look at him, but Sauli is continuously aware of his presense, listening to the sound of his voice and laugh even while talking with Neil and Elisse. He's able to steal glances at Adam, to study his face.

He's kissed those lips. Those soft and plump lips. He wonders how many other lips they have kissed in the seven years since. Probably countless.

Back then they had been mostly forced to interact in the company of others, pretending they had only friendly feelings towards each other, talking about their feelings in letters.

But he remembers each kiss they had managed to steal. The first one is particularly clear in his mind, of Adam taking his hand and pulling him behind trees in the garden, framing his face with his hands and looking at him like he was completely mesmerised. Sauli has counted the kisses so many times, gone over them in his mind, lived through them again and again. It had always been brief and not nearly enough. Always in secret. A few times things had got heated, but they had never been able to go further, always interrupted by approaching footsteps. They hadn't made large efforts to get away from prying eyes, because they assumed they would have enough time for everything later. They would only have to wait until...

And then, the reality. Everything had come crashing down. Sauli had been convinced it was impossible, he was too young. Adam wasn't suitable, it would never work out, there was no future there. He'd given up the only future he'd ever wanted, the realisation coming too late.

He'd been a virgin back then, but he had thought Adam most likely wasn't, especially being three years older. Sauli remains a virgin still, in the sense that he hasn't gone all the way with any man. He has sex, the way men do, straight and gay, before their marriage, even though it's not talked about. As a gay man it's a lot easier for him, since there are much less limitations to being left alone with another man. The moral complexities and rules are so strange and unfair. But he seeks out sex or agrees to other men's suggestions quite infrequently and rarely, as it often leaves him feeling empty. Even when it doesn't, he's fully aware it's only to satisfy physical needs. He hasn't fallen for anyone seriously, has only had fleeting attractions which disappear as quickly as they come or end in disappointment in the other person.

Once during the evening Sauli catches Adam staring. Not at Sauli's face, but his hand, which he realises he's resting in a manner that leaves the tattoo visible. He would have thought Adam was only staring emptily ahead, in his thoughts, but Adam turns his head away quickly when he's caught.

Later Louis is playing the piano, Sauli listening to Neil's whispered tale, when he hears such a beautiful sound that makes him close his eyes. Adam is singing.

He excuses himself to Neil and leaves the room, but only to find a lone spot where he can listen in private, tears already sliding down his cheeks.

Adam's singing had always been the most beautiful sound he'd ever heard. He's hitting every impossible note, and Sauli feels the sounds go deep into his body. The lyrics are heart-wrenching, but even without them just the sound of Adam's voice would tear him apart.

\---

After that night they end up seeing each other almost every day, whether they wish to or not. South West England is blessed with a beautiful summer weather, and the Crofts and Musgroves take full advantage of it, happy to spend time with their new acquaintances. Louis invites friends of his to meet Adam. Sauli can see that Louis is proud of his new acquaintance and showing off to his friends, but he notes Louis also gets irritated whenever Adam talks with other young men for too long. Everyone is practically tripping over themselves trying to catch Adam's attention.

One day they're taking a walk across the fields, with the young Musgroves and Adam leading the way, Louis clinging to Adam's arm. Sauli walks alone behind Charles and Sara, who keep speculating about Henrietta and Louis' marriage chances in a hushed voice, asking Sauli whether he thinks Louis can get Captain Lambert. Sauli lets them prattle on without a comment.

When they're taking a little break Sauli walks between trees and bushes aimlessly, grabbing a stick and hacking at foliage. He stops when he hears Adam and Louis talking, and realises they haven't noticed how close Sauli is to them behind the trees. It's too awkward to make his presence known, and besides, he gets curious when he hears his name. Louis is telling Adam that Charles wanted to marry Sauli, but married Sara instead when he was refused.

"He wanted to marry Sauli? When was this?" It's not an indifferent question. Adam doesn't at all sound uninterested. And it doesn't escape Sauli that Adam shouldn't be using his first name.

Louis sounds smug and pleased that Adam is so interested in something that he's telling him about.

” _Well_ , I'm not entirely sure. Some years ago. Before his marriage to Sara obviously. Sauli is so much older than me, so I was still pretty young."

Silly Louis doesn't seem to realise that highlighting his and Sauli's age difference also makes him imply that he thinks Adam is old.

"Do you know why he refused?" Adam asks intently.

"I don't know if anyone knows for sure, but my parents think it was Lady Russell who persuaded Sauli not to marry him. She thought their characters didn't match, that Charles was much too plain and simple for Sauli.”

It wasn't so at all. It seems that there have been rumours about the breaking off of their engagement after all, and the rumours have gotten mixed up with Sauli's later refusal of Charles. His godmother didn't have anything to do with his decision to refuse Charles. But at least Adam is now aware that there might have been an outside force influencing Sauli's decision concerning him as well.

The walk continues. They cross a fence separating two fields, Charles helping Sara across and Adam lending a hand to Henrietta, and then perhaps jokingly to Louis, who instead of taking the offered hand jumps down from the fence so that Adam catches him, stumbling a little from the force of it but laughing with his arm wrapped around Louis.

Sauli feels slightly nauseated. Is this really what he's forced to watch now? To stand in the sidelines and watch as Adam starts courting the young and beautiful brother of Sauli's brother-in-law? He crosses the fence by himself, gritting his teeth together.

At the next crossing he doesn't pay enough attention, too deep in thought. His boot gets caught in something and he trips, the ground disappearing beneath him. He falls flat on his back in the grass.

Suddenly Adam is there, gripping his arm firmly and pulling him up on his feet. Sauli ends up pressed against Adam's body. So close that he can feel the warmth. He takes a deep breath and his nose is filled with a scent that makes his head swim. Instantly he's transferred back in time, into other situations where he's been pressed against Adam's body. Scents trigger such powerful memories.

It's over in a second, Adam releasing him and walking away.

When Sauli starts walking again his leg aches with every step. He's probably strained it, but not too badly. He can walk, even if it hurts and makes him limp slightly. They're walking along a road when they're met by Neil and Elisse driving a small carriage. Sauli sees Adam whisper something to them.

”Mr. Koskinen, you look hurt,” Elisse says. ”Do hop on and join us so you don't have to walk.”

"I'm quite alright, thank you. It would be too much trouble."

"Not at all! We're going by your route in any case."

When he still protests he's approached by Adam, who takes his arm in a firm but gentle grip without looking at him and leads him to the back of the carriage. Sauli is so stunned he can only let Adam direct him. Hands grab a tight hold around Sauli's slim waist and lift him to sit at the back of the carriage.

He's left sitting there with his mouth slightly open in shock, a tingling feeling going all over his body, as the carriage starts moving. Before it rounds a curve he sees Adam give his arm to Louis and start walking away.

\---

Sauli is curious as to whether Adam has changed from what used to be. After all, he's gone through experiences Sauli can't even imagine, reached a status he didn't have before. But after observing Adam interact with others it doesn't appear to be so. Even if he and Adam act like strangers around each other, Adam seems like his old self with others. Genuine, kind. There's always a group of people fluttering around him. He charms everyone, men and women alike.

The Crofts decide to hold a ball at Kellynch Hall, to the extreme delight of the young people, who fuss extensively over what they're going to wear. Sauli goes with his usual evening wear, but Henrietta insists on prettying him up. She's putting small white flowers in his hair, tying them between his curls with a concentrated look on her face.

”Really? I'm not sure that I'm feminine enough to have flowers in my hair.”

”I know,” she says, clapping her hands a little at the result of her work. ”You're not girly at all, even though you're so pretty. But they look very nice on you, they make you even prettier. You look like an angel.”

The Crofts have invited a lot of people, and it's lovely to see Kellynch Hall so lively, filled with people. It's also a relief to see different faces for a change, but of course Sauli notices Adam right away.

Adam's coat is of embroidered black velvet, with black satin breeches. In contrast the white stockings make his legs look especially long, accentuating the shape of his calves. The heel of his black dress shoes is the highest that Sauli has ever seen. There's gold in the fingerless gloves, the buttons of his coat and the buckles of his shoes. The materials look expensive, and it makes Sauli smile. Adam always used to say he wished he had the money to wear what he wanted. He's obviously following the latest fashions now, and all of it looks good on him, even the flashy waistcoats he sometimes wears during the day.

”Have you seen any beautiful ladies this evening yet, Captain Lambert?” Sauli hears someone ask Adam.

"Oh, darling, don't you know I don't swing that way?" Adam laughs and picks up a fan, batting his eyelashes and fanning himself to the delight of everyone around him, causing a mild hysteria. Adam lays down on the couch with his head on a young lady's lap. No one interrupts him, as it's not so scandalous since Adam is gay. Although if any white-haired seniors with more conservative views saw him, he would probably be reproached.

”Ladies are quite safe with me,” Adam says, a sly grin appearing on his face. ”Young men, however...” More laughter follows.

Women seem to enjoy Adam's attention, since with him they can safely stretch the etiquette when it comes to flirting. Sauli has noticed that many of his own female acquaintances seem free and relaxed in his own company as well, but he doesn't flirt with them at all. He isn't as open and aggressive with his flirting as Adam, to whom it seems to come as second nature whenever he's in his entertaining mode. Adam keeps good on his word and entertains the ladies and young men alike, amusing them, telling tales, listening to them good-naturedly, singing small snippets of songs when asked.

Sauli can't help but smile a little, but he turns his face to hide it. He exchanges pleasantries with the people he knows, gravitating towards Elisse and Neil's company when he gets tired of smiling at people who say how sorry they are to see Sauli as a guest in his own house. Sometimes he's slightly worried it looks like he's trying to get on Elisse and Neil's good side, for whatever reason. Especially since Louis is not making an effort to get to know them, only following Adam around like a puppy.

Once the music starts he sees Adam dancing almost non-stop. Towards the end of the evening Sauli is talking with an old, dear neighbour of his, when Adam walks past and is stopped by her.

"Captain Lambert, have you danced with our Mr. Koskinen yet?"

Sauli cringes inwardly. He's tried to avoid this all night. A part of him wishes he could claim his leg is still hurting, but it's already healed and he's been walking normally all night. And if he's honest with himself he has to admit a part of him has wanted this.

"He is usually the Follow,” she adds.

Actually he dances the Lead part more often, because he dances with his female relatives and acquaintances so much, but it's true he's always the Follow with men.

Of course, there's no way for Adam to refuse and remain polite. He's looking at Sauli with those piercing eyes.

”Mr. Koskinen.” Adam gives a small bow and offers his hand, and Sauli takes it. It's more than a little embarrassing that Adam is forced to dance with someone he doesn't wish to dance with. Sauli is led on the dance floor to join the other couples who are waiting for the start.

The dance is lively, with fast steps, the couples coming together and separating again. It's intoxicating to be in close proximity to Adam, to be touched fleetingly by him. They don't say a word. Back then they had danced more than a few times. Adam still dances well, if not better. His movements are so fluid compared to some other men who look extremely stiff, not naturals at dancing. Adam leads with confident touches, though not looking at Sauli but through him. Sauli decides not to hesitate in his touches either, dancing as he would with anyone else. Maybe not quite in the same way as with anyone else. There's an intimacy there, although perhaps it feels like that only to him.

\---

Sauli goes on long walks with Charles' dogs to clear his thoughts and to get a moment's respite from the continuous bustle of Sara and Charles' home. As the weather turns even warmer the walks become uncomfortably hot. Once he's close to fainting when he returns, having neglected to take some ale with him.

One day Adam visits them when they're all in the garden, trying to cope with the heat. Sauli is lying in the grass in the shade of a tree, a spaniel half on top of him. He listens to the quiet murmur of Adam's voice when he talks with Louis and Henrietta, who have set up canvases and are trying to paint landscapes.

”It's too hot, I can't do this anymore,” Louis snaps. ”Let's go swimming!”

No one assumes Louis to mean anyone else but the men, as men and women couldn't possibly swim at the same time, and swimming in lakes and rivers in summer to cool off is a boyish activity anyway.

”Go ahead,” Sara says in a resentful manner. ”I wish I could go swimming, I don't think I can survive this.”

”It's a couple of miles to the nearest pond, so you'll need to take your horses,” Charles says, looking like he's melting into his chair.

”Are you not coming?” Louis asks.

”No, you boys go.” At thirty-eight Charles is only five years older than Adam, but seems to consider himself to be part of the older generation.

”Is it appropriate?” Sara whispers not too quietly.

”Nonsense. Captain Lambert is a respectable fellow. Besides, Sauli is there, he can be the chaperone. Just keep your smallclothes on, boys,” Charles says, earning a reproach from Sara who quite rightly thinks men's underwear isn't a decent conversation topic.

But it's humiliating, hearing that in everyone's eyes Sauli is old enough to be off the market. He's not even seen to be someone who could be on Adam's radar, and as such his presence is good for chaperoning, tempering any enthusiasm Adam and Louis could show for each other. Sauli has no intention whatsoever of keeping an eye on them.

They take off, riding the distance to the pond with the sun beating on their backs. There's no one else at the pond, and the water looks clear and inviting enough. They tie their horses to trees and start undressing. Sauli's heart is already racing and he knows he's starting to blush. He's never seen Adam like this.

Soon Louis is already undressed, standing there in only his white smallclothes, stretching his arms above his head cat-like. Sauli glances at Adam and sees that he still has his white linen shirt on. The neck is untied so that the open shirt reveals a large swath of Adam's bare chest. Sauli can see light chest hair and a curve of a pectoral muscle. Freckled skin. There's such a sharp jolt of lust shooting down Sauli's body that he has to quickly turn his head away.

He removes his own clothes hastily, feeling exposed. He's always been athletic, but over the years he's spent his frustrations and heartache in physical activities, honing his body by fencing, playing tennis, spending time outside training his father's hunting dogs, which he never uses for hunting but keeps for appearances. Anything that Sauli can spend his energy in and keep himself busy. The result is a fit and muscled body. Perhaps rudely tanned like a peasant's, since he enjoys sunlight and in private has exposed his body to it more than a gentleman should.

He walks to the pond, leaving footprints on the muddy shore. Decisively he doesn't turn back to look at Adam. The water feels deliciously cool on his skin and he dives, ending up with wet curls plastered on his forehead. He swims further away and hears Adam and Louis laughing and splashing in the water, Louis giving a loud yelp for some reason, but Sauli doesn't turn his head to see why.

After some time he hears the other two are getting out. Out of the corner of his eye he sees Adam walk up the shore, and can't prevent himself from taking a proper look. The wet linen of Adam's smallclothes is glued to his skin, leaving very little to imagination. Sauli gasps in his throat when his eyes slide over Adam's round buttocks. Wide shoulders. And those long, long legs. He feels such desire that it's choking him.

He turns away and continues swimming for a while until he hears Louis shouting at him.

”Are you going to become a lake creature?”

He gets out. Adam and Louis are dressed but still in their shirtsleeves, sitting in the grass and drinking ale. Sauli looks at the ground as he walks. He doesn't want to see whether Adam is watching him or not. He doesn't know which one he wants, as he thinks both options would be painful. If Adam is so uninterested that not even an almost naked male body walking by makes him look, it would hurt. But if he is watching, Sauli wouldn't know how to take it and what to do with it, since Adam seems to be courting Louis. Sauli tries to picture what Adam would see. A lean but muscled body, a slim waist, the v-shape of his hips, the smallclothes clinging to his skin, sunlight making the water on his skin glint. Perhaps Adam prefers Louis' young skinny body and milky white skin.

The horses need to cool off too, so while Adam and Louis enjoy refreshments in the shade Sauli removes the saddles of all three horses. Sometimes horses hesitate to go in water, so it's easier to get them there while riding one of them. Without a saddle he has to stand next to his horse, jump and lean the weight of his torso over its back before swinging his leg over and sitting up straight. He manages it, but his horse feels even taller than usual, even though he knows fully well he's not a tall man himself. It's only when he's sitting upright that he realises the horse he's mounted is Adam's. Their horses look alike, both black, but Adam's is slightly taller.

Well. It's a bit awkward, but it would be more so to get off and mount his own horse instead. The poor animal's black coat feels hot against his legs. He takes the reins of the other two and leads them all into the pond, letting go once they're fully in water. Adam's horse goes in so deep that Sauli is wet up to his waist again. The horses go crazy and start playing in the water, splashing hard with their hooves and whinnying. Sauli laughs at them until he's breathless, splashing water at them to get them fully wet.

After he's led them out and dressed himself it's time to go. When Adam comes to saddle up Sauli notices his face looks very red. Briefly he wonders if he's been up to something with Louis, but doesn't want to think about it further, the thought of it making him feel sick in his stomach. He mounts up and rides back home in front of Adam's horse, the back of his neck burning.


	2. Chapter 2

”We are all going to Lyme!” Sara announces to Sauli. ”Isn't that fun? Captain Lambert received a letter from a friend who's staying there, another captain. He wants to go for a visit and Charles said we should all join him.”

Lyme is a seaside town less than twenty miles away. It's a long enough distance that they would probably spend a night or two there. The thought of spending every hour of the day in Adam's presence feels like more than he can handle.

”I'm not sure that I should go. Would it not be better if I stayed with the boys?”

”No, absolutely not,” Sara says in a voice that allows no arguments. ”They will be fine with the servants. I want you with me. One last trip together before you leave us for Bath.”

Ah, yes. He knew he couldn't stay forever. It never was thought that he would stay for the whole summer. He really should show up in Bath, be with his father and other sister.

They take off to Lyme the next day. It's a snug fit in the carriage with Sauli, Sara, Charles, Henrietta and Louis travelling in it. Adam rides beside it. Once they arrive in Lyme, Adam explains that his friend Captain Spencer has recently settled there with his family. He warns that there's another friend of his lodging with the Spencers, a Captain Gray, who remains in low spirits after losing his fiancé during the war.

Upon meeting the two captains they're immediately invited to stay for dinner. Even if Captain Gray is moody, the Spencers turn out to be fun company, the family including the captain's husband and two adopted children. Seeing such a happy family makes Sauli's heart ache a little, though. He would have wanted something like that for himself. But he manages to shake some of the sad feeling off. With so many people there the dining room gets crowded, but somehow it adds to the cheerful and jovial mood. It's clear that Adam is enjoying the company of his friends, looking more relaxed than Sauli has seen thus far.

The Spencers can't possibly accommodate them, so they're staying at a nearby lodging house. After a long dinner the captains walk their guests back to the lodging house, and stay there to continue drinking and smoking cigars well into the night after the women have gone to bed.

Sauli hasn't drunk much, but he notices a slight effect when he gets up to go take a leak. When he's coming back, he sees Adam standing in the hallway. There's no one else around, and the sound of the men laughing is distant. Why is he just standing there anyway, inconveniently in the narrowest part? Sauli takes a deep breath and tries to pass Adam without touching him in the narrow corridor, but an arm blocks his way. He could get past it easily, but... He doesn't want to.

The moment he turns his head to look at Adam, soft lips are already pressing against his. He makes a little inquisitive noise, but after a beat starts kissing back desperately.

Their eyes are half-lidded, lips sliding over each other and overlapping, with Sauli capturing Adam's bottom lip between his own. Arms wrap around his body and pull him close. A warm, wet tongue brushes against his own and he chases it hungrily. Adam tastes sweet.

He's holding Adam's head in place with his hands on stubbled cheeks, stroking the warm tongue with his own. The kiss turns rougher, Adam grabbing him hard and their lips smacking together, teeth biting his lower lip roughly.

Sauli is getting more and more frustrated and pouring it into the kiss, sucking on Adam's tongue. He feels like he never wants it to end but—how does Adam dare? Isn't he supposed to be courting Louis? There's no doubt in Sauli's mind that this is just to get rid of the obvious tension between them, to satisfy physical needs. He wonders if this is how Adam kisses all of his lovers.

Out of anger and lust he pushes his body tight against Adam's and rolls his hips. He feels a large bulge in Adam's breeches. There's a shocked noise, and Adam's hard length presses against Sauli, their height difference making it press against Sauli's stomach through their clothes. Sauli is almost trembling with the desire to do something, to rub his body against it, to get his hands on it.

After tearing his mouth from Sauli's, Adam looks at him with eyes blown wide, eyes that look dark in the dim light of the corridor.

Adam gives him one more wet kiss and grabs hold of him, dragging him to a door only a few steps away from them, opening it and releasing him. He knows he's presented with an option to turn back. Instead he steps inside the dark room. Adam closes the door behind them and immediately presses Sauli back against it. A slick mouth finds his and he kisses Adam with a whine, drawing into his lungs the breath that Adam is breathing into his mouth.

He can't see anything in the dark, only feel a warm and strong body press against his. His fingers find Adam's cravat and start pulling it open, untangling yards of linen. Teeth nip his lower lip, then a tongue licks across it. He unties the shirt next, until he can finally press his palm against warm skin. He slides his hand across Adam's chest, feeling the soft hairs, moving his hand to the right over a pec. Releasing Adam's lips with a wet sound he moves the shirt out of the way and latches his mouth onto Adam's chest, finding a nipple.

The low moan goes straight down his body and he squeezes his eyes shut, sucking and flicking his tongue over the hard nub. After another moan Adam grabs his head and pulls him away, kissing him hard and almost tugging at his curls with his fingers.

It all turns more frantic after that. Adam grabs his buttock in a strong grip and keeps squeezing it while teasing his tongue with his own. Sauli abandons all sense and gives in to the lust. He's so hard he's almost bursting, rubbing his cock trapped in tight breeches against Adam's thigh. He's never wanted anyone this much, and he doesn't think he ever will. Since this is the only thing he'll get, he'll take it and replay the memory for years to come. Adam, Adam, Adam—it plays on a loop in his head.

Fingers start fumbling with the multiple buttons of his breeches. He pants loudly against Adam's neck before dragging his tongue slowly across the skin there. He bites the neck to silence himself when a warm hand slides into his breeches and pulls out his cock, gripping and pumping it for a moment. From the rustling it's obvious Adam opens his own breeches next. Hands grab Sauli's buttocks firmly and lift him up against the door. Adam traps him against it with his body, holding him up and aligning their hips.

Sauli grabs Adam's shoulders and hangs onto him when Adam starts rutting against him. It's feverish, and too good. The cock pressed against his is hard, getting wet. When Adam wraps a hand around them both, jerking them together, Sauli feels himself start dribbling precome and his hips are thrusting uncontrollably. There are too many clothes, and he wishes he could touch naked skin. But there's no time for undressing, everything is far too urgent and too good. When he's close to coming he starts moaning, and Adam kisses him to silence it, so he comes against Adam's cock with Adam's tongue inside his mouth.

He can feel Adam's thighs tremble from the effort of holding him up, and he pushes until Adam steps back and his feet touch the floor again. His fingers find Adam's cock, wrapping around the thick length. Adam's hand covers his as they jerk it together until Sauli feels several spurts of wetness coat his hand, Adam biting his neck.

They're breathing heavily in the darkness. Sauli wipes his hand against his own breeches and buttons himself up.

He doesn't know what he's feeling, and it's for the best that he can't see Adam's expression. He's glad he got a taste of Adam. It seems he's good enough for Adam to satisfy his needs with, but not good enough to consider as a potential fiancé anymore. Well, the tension has been broken now

He scrabbles for a door handle and grabs it, pulling the door open and escaping the situation.

\---

In the morning he's staring at himself in the mirror while standing in front of a washstand, with a linen wrapped around his hips. There's steam rising from a pitcher of hot water that has been brought to him. His reflection in the mirror shows a purpling mark on his neck. The previous night actually happened.

At breakfast he feels the hairs on the back of his neck rise when he hears Adam come in and say good morning. When he looks up from his plate, Adam gives him such a heated look that he almost drops his fork. The tension has not been broken.

He feels as if everyone can tell what the two of them have done just by looking at them, but of course that's only his imagination. The night before he had given only a fleeting thought to Louis. He wonders now whether they've acted terribly wrongly towards Louis, as he appears to be Adam's intended. Probably. But he can't regret it.

They take a long walk along the shore that day and stop for a picnic. Sauli talks with Captain Gray a lot. They find common ground in talking about how long it's possible to yearn for lost love, although thankfully the Captain doesn't press him for details, content to only speak of his own deceased fiancé. Laughter interrupts their talk and Sauli turns his head to see that Adam and Louis are throwing rocks into the sea, having some sort of a competition.

They're staying in Lyme for one more night. By the time Sauli retreats for the evening he's already made up his mind. It wasn't enough. This is his only chance, as they're spending the night under the same roof, and after this he'll be off to Bath. Adam could be married before they meet again.

He waits for a long time after he's heard last voices say goodnight and doors being shut. When he's sure that people are asleep, he gets up and quietly opens his door, walking to Adam's door in the dark wearing only his nightshirt. He gets in, cringing when the door squeaks a bit. He knows it's pathetic to go get what he can from Adam. But he's also giving himself what he wants.

Adam is asleep, his form unmoving on the bed. Sauli pulls his nightshirt over his head as he approaches the bed, dropping it on the floor. He lifts the sheet Adam is using as a covering, the blanket kicked to the foot of the bed, and slides in. He knows he's crazy, and that it's even more foolish to wake up a man who's been to war in this manner. Adam is facing him, breathing softly. The scent of whatever Adam has always used to make himself smell so good is strong under the sheet and this close to his body.

Sauli moves closer until their legs touch and their faces are inches from each other's. Adam wakes up with a gasp and a hand grips Sauli's wrist tightly.

Sauli doesn't say a word, only breathes quietly until Adam's breath calms down as well. Adam seems to recognise who's crawled naked into his bed, and slumps back against the pillow. Soft lips brush a lazy kiss on Sauli's lips. Another one, and another one, until Sauli captures them firmly with his own.

Arms snake around Sauli's waist and with an iron grip Adam rolls on his back so that Sauli ends up on top of him. Warm hands start sliding all over Sauli's bare back as they kiss, sweeping down and paying special attention to the dip of his lower back, caressing there but not going lower. Finally Sauli reaches behind himself and grabs Adam's hand, sliding it down to rest on his butt cheek.

Adam's lips twitch against his. A teasing tongue flicks against Sauli's and a hand squeezes his buttock gently, teasing with fingertips. Sauli arches his back and grinds his hips against Adam's, feeling the cock that's growing and filling under him, with only Adam's nightshirt separating them. He wants to touch, but before he can do anything Adam rolls them around again and sits up. Adam's face is only a vague shape above him in the dark. Sauli watches as Adam pulls the nightshirt over his head. He spreads his legs and Adam settles down between them, on top of him.

Rough stubble scrapes against his face and then they're kissing again. Adam's hair, which is usually curled into a swirl, is drooping down on his forehead, tickling and getting in the way as they kiss. Sauli brushes it aside—it feels like there's sea salt in Adam's hair. He feels mad with want, but he should have expected this deep tenderness he feels towards Adam in the midst of the lust. Even with the two of them being so estranged. He knows he couldn't do this if it was daylight, if he had to look Adam in the eye.

It's overwhelming to be pressed head to toe against Adam's naked body. He wants to be even closer, somehow, to attach himself permanently to Adam so that they're only one person instead of two. Everything is dreamlike and altogether too real at the same time. He can feel Adam's chest hair against his own nearly smooth chest. Their skin is damp with sweat and sticking together. Some bony part of Adam presses sharply against his hip and he shifts until he's comfortable. They're moving restlessly against each other, legs entwining, lips smacking in the silence of the room.

Adam starts trailing hungry, open-mouthed kisses down from his lips, down his neck and chest, and Sauli can't stop playing with Adam's hair, fingers stroking his temples. A tongue flicks against his nipples so that his whole body jumps. Adam seems to get fixated on his hips, biting and kissing for a long time. When the wet mouth moves from Sauli's hips towards the center of his body, brushing against the short wiry hairs there, he freezes.

A hot tongue drags up along his cock, and Sauli whimpers and bites his hand in shock. No one has ever done that to him, nor has he done it to anyone else. Even though he knows about cocksucking, the sex he's had has only ever been quick rutting against each other, or efficient touches meant to bring them off fast.

Adam is licking his cock like it's a treat, and Sauli might die from lust. A low moan escapes him and he bites his hand harder when the hot mouth wraps around the head of his cock, sliding down. Adam sucks him rhythmically, releasing him with a wet pop and swirling a tongue around the tip before swallowing him down again.

Sauli's hips are trembling, but Adam is resting his upper body heavily over his hips, holding him down. The head of his cock brushes against the inside of Adam's cheek, and he's certain he's leaking, wondering if Adam minds the taste. Adam breaks off again with a gasp, and Sauli feels him slide his lips up and down the length of his cock, kissing it. When Adam wraps his fingers around the base of Sauli's cock and puts it in his mouth again, the suction is so strong that Sauli tugs at Adam's hair. But Adam wraps his arms firmly around Sauli's body and sucks harder with a slurping sound, until Sauli winds his fingers in Adam's hair and his body tenses. He comes so hard he feels dizzy, and it feels like endlessly, his cock twitching hard and shooting come down Adam's throat, and that makes everything even more arousing so that he's almost sobbing by the time the last spurts dribble out, Adam catching them on his tongue and slowly licking him clean.

He just. Sauli can't form a coherent thought, panting heavily with his mouth open. He thinks about doing the same for Adam, and his face scrunches up as if in pain because the thought is so arousing he can't stand it. He's felt the size of Adam's cock. Adam is rubbing his stubbled cheek against his hip like a cat.

But he doesn't get to do what he intends this time either, as Adam grabs his legs and pushes until Sauli pulls his knees close to his chest. He feels the head of Adam's cock brush under his balls and slide along his crack. Adam kneels over him and starts moving his hips, with tiny thrusts rubbing his cock against Sauli's crack.

He's already come, but he goes crazy from it, not yet down from the high of his orgasm. He pulls until Adam bends closer and Sauli can reach to kiss him, having missed Adam's mouth on his desperately. In the midst of their kissing Adam lets out a high-pitched moan, and it makes a strong shiver travel through Sauli's body. The sound of Adam's voice. He turns his head sideways and doesn't know if Adam understands, but after a moment there's a hot breath against his ear. Adam bites his earlobe carefully and moans again deliberately, twice. The shiver jerks Sauli's whole body, and Adam's fingers are on his chin, turning his head, and he's kissed hard in reward.

He reaches to take hold of Adam's buttocks and feels the muscles contract with each thrust as Adam works his cock against him.

He didn't think he would, but he's getting hard again. Adam pulls back and then sits down on the bed, grabbing Sauli's arms and pulling until he topples forward against Adam, sitting on his lap facing him. He wraps his arms around Adam's shoulders. The head of Adam's cock is now slick as it rubs against Sauli's opening again and again as Adam thrusts up with his hands on Sauli's hips, kissing his neck. The teasing is driving him crazy. He can sense that Adam isn't planning to, but oh, how he wants Adam to slip it in. He wants to have Adam inside him. Adam probably guesses it from the way Sauli starts rubbing back against the cock, unable to stop whining quietly. He feels so wanton that it makes his cheek flame, but he knows the darkness hides his blush.

He reaches back and touches Adam's cock, keeping the head pressed against his opening. Adam doesn't move a muscle.

 _Please_. It's on the tip of his tongue, and he breathes against Adam's neck.

Finally some of the tension leaves Adam's body, and Sauli hears him spit into his own hand. A slick finger circles his opening, pushing inside while Adam kisses him. Sauli has only sometimes pressed his own fingers there, and now it's an uncomfortable feeling. He wants it anyway, and once Adam pushes the finger fully inside and starts moving it, suddenly it feels... He gasps aloud, clinging to Adam. It feels good. He spits into his own palm as well and reaches to slick Adam's cock with it.

When Adam slowly starts pressing the tip inside, the stretch is even more uncomfortable. Adam rubs Sauli's thighs and hips and he tries to relax. He knows they should have used some oil, but he wanted this now. Adam pulls out and moves them until Sauli is on his back again before kneeling between his legs and pressing in again. This time being so full feels good, and the same amazing flash of pleasure makes him moan. Adam is sliding his cock slowly in and out with a rolling movement, each time staying buried to the hilt for a moment before pulling back again. Sauli's hands move all over Adam's hips. After some time Adam starts snapping his hips faster against him, their wet skin slapping together, and Sauli is probably leaving marks on Adam's skin with how hard he's grabbing and scratching wherever he can reach. He touches himself, sliding his hand on his cock until he comes, biting his lip so as not to gasp Adam's name. Adam falls on top of him and pistons hard, moaning against Sauli's neck as he spends himself inside, grinding his hips against Sauli.

After Adam's body stops shivering he pulls his softening cock out. They lie quietly for a short moment longer, Adam's arm resting on Sauli's stomach. Before the silence becomes unbearable, however, before either of them feels the need to speak, Sauli sits up and gets off from the bed.

He hears a muffled sound, but Adam doesn't actually say anything, and Sauli grabs his nightshirt from the floor before slipping quietly out of the room.

\---

Adam is late for breakfast. But when he finally arrives, Sauli finds it hard to look anywhere near at him. He feels wrecked, like he's experienced something both wonderful and devastating.

”Whose carriage is that?” Charles is standing by the window, pointing at a carriage in front of the lodging house. The cook informs them it belongs to a wealthy gentleman who arrived the previous night, a Mr Koskinen.

”Koskinen?” Sara asks. This causes nearly everyone to stand and look out of the window. ”Sauli, that must be our cousin. Well! Here's a chance to introduce ourselves.”

”Sara, our father and Mr Koskinen's father have not been in speaking terms for decades. They wouldn't wish us to introduce ourselves.” He's actually their second cousin. Sauli feels a headache looming, having to explain their family complications to Sara who always has a hard time remembering them. It's also a bit embarrassing that Adam hears it.

Later, when they're on their last walk before leaving, they do bump into the other Mr Koskinen, whose first name Sauli recalls is Niko. He's tall and has very fair hair. Niko raises his hat in greeting as Sauli and the others walk past. Sauli nods at him and Niko looks at him curiously, but they don't say anything.

They walk along a stone pier in the harbour. A very narrow staircase of stone steps leads to a lower level, and the men help the ladies with their skirts safely down the steps. In a repetition of the jump on their walk back home, when Louis had jumped so that Adam had had to catch him, Louis now yells for Adam to catch him again and jumps down from the half-way of the steps.

”There,” Adam says catching him and smiling slightly. They've already turned to walk ahead, when Louis runs back the stairs all the way up.

”Don't be stupid, Louis. Louis, that's too high!” Adam shouts. He sounds scared.

They watch in horror as Louis just laughs and jumps down from the pier, foolishly confident that Adam can catch him. But no man would be able to, the fall so terribly high that Louis slips instantly from Adam's hands which try to grab him, slamming onto the pavement with a sickening thud.

Someone screams. They run to the fallen youth, Adam already turning him around on his back. Louis is unconscious, and everyone seems too panicked to do anything, so Sauli tells them to step aside and kneels beside Adam.

”A surgeon! Someone go get a surgeon,” Sauli says sharply, and Adam makes a startled move. ”No, not you. Captain Gray, you know where to find one.”

Sara is wailing hysterically.

”He's breathing,” he says. He cradles Louis' head, searching for wounds. There are none, but there's a bump. ”Give me your cravat,” he says to Adam, his own hands busy holding Louis' head off the hard pavement. Adam complies and unties his cravat, handing it to Sauli who presses the cloth against Louis' head, holding it there and looking into Adam's alarmed eyes.

\---

Captain Spencer's house is the closest, and Louis is carried there. The surgeon tells them they can do nothing but wait, and the less crowded the house is, the better. Sauli is sitting at Louis' bedside when he overhears Adam and Charles.

”Our parents should be told,” Charles says. ”I can't leave my brother.”

”Then let me go. I can take Henrietta and Sara with me, if you wish.”

”What about Sauli?” Charles asks.

”No one is more capable or caring than him,” Adam says.

”Sauli is to stay?” Sara interrups in a tearful voice. ”But he's a man, and nothing to Louis, while I'm his sister-in-law. Am I not as capable in taking care of people as Sauli? You mean that I would have to go home without my husband?” She's making a scene again. They're all too tired for this, and Sauli pinches the bridge of his nose.

”I'll go with Henrietta. There, all is settled.”

It's late at night when they leave. They all take the carriage this time and Henrietta falls asleep, sitting next to Adam and slumped against his shoulder. Sauli sits on the opposite bench, his and Adam's knees nearly touching. Adam looks out of the window the entire time. Sauli looks at Adam's hands, the fingerless gloves and slim fingers.

When they finally arrive at the Musgrove siblings' family home, Adam goes in first, asking the servants to wake up the family. Sauli knows the moment he breaks the news from the shrill scream of the mother. The house wakes up in an uproar, dogs barking and people shouting.

Sauli stays outside. When Adam walks out of the house in long strides, Sauli catches up to him.

”I should return to Lyme, see if I can be of any use,” Adam says as they're walking.

”Captain,” Sauli says, and Adam stops. ”It wasn't your fault.”

In the moonlight Sauli sees Adam's stubbled jaw clench. He knows Adam feels guilty, but he must understand he can't be blamed for what happened.

”I'm worried about Louis,” Sauli continues. ”Would you send me word of him? I'll be in Bath.”

”Bath? Will you be there for long?” Adam's voice is very careful and hushed.

”I suppose, yes. Indefinitely. I must rejoin my father.”

For the first time they're talking to each other for this long, and in private. It's surreal to think of, talking as if nothing has happened.

"Well, then. Goodbye, Sauli."

Does he even realise he's using Sauli's first name? A horse is brought to Adam and he mounts it in silence, riding off without looking back.

"Goodbye, Adam."

\---

He hates Bath. Perhaps it's not the town's fault, but he associates the heavy feeling inside his chest, and the annoyance of being back with his intolerable father and sister, with the place he's forced to stay at instead of being where he would wish to be.

No word arrives from Adam, but Sara writes to Sauli, letting him know that Louis is slowly on the mend.

He's being paraded in social gatherings, his father suddenly more determined than ever to find him a suitable match. Sauli assumes his father has realised it's getting too late to get something useful out of his son, to marry him off to wealth.

One day as they're sitting in the lavish drawing room of his father's new town house, to Sauli's confusion they're being called upon by Mr Koskinen. In walks the same man Sauli saw in Lyme. They greet each other and acknowledge the previous meeting with amusement. Sauli finds himself talking with Niko for a long while. He's pleasant company, and sympathises when Sauli tells him of the accident of his sister's brother-in-law.

Later Sauli learns from his sister that Niko has called upon them several times since first coming to introduce himself, humbly saying how sorry he was of the breach between his father and Sir Walter. Apparently Niko has gathered a sizable fortune and is expected to be looking to settle down.

Niko visits them many times after that, always visibly brightening when he gets to talk to Sauli. His father notices it, even though he's far from the most observant person.

”Now, Sauli. I know we have our disagreements, but I don't wish you to refuse this idea just because I am the one to suggest it. But if you married your cousin Mr Koskinen, he would have more than enough means to keep Kellynch Hall afloat. Besides, it would be comforting to know that the house would thus be securely in family hands. And Mr Koskinen would profit as well, gaining an estate.”

It's not like he hasn't thought about it already. Out of all the other options he's had, this one is the most promising. Niko seems genuinely interested in him and doesn't yet grate on his nerves. He knows Niko is about to ask, he can sense it. What other chance does Sauli have? He'll never get a better one. He hasn't seen or heard from Adam in weeks. As far as he knows, Adam is probably proceeding with his courting of Louis now that Louis is getting better.

Not long after he gets another letter. He opens it sitting on his bed in his room. It's from Charles this time. In it, Charles writes that although he is sworn to secrecy, he can tell Sauli that wedding bells are soon to be heard at his parents' home.

Sauli crumples the letter in his hand. His vision is blurring and he can taste salt on his lips from the tears sliding down his cheeks. He didn't think anything could be this painful, but it hurts like nothing has before. He's tearing at his hair as he sobs, sliding down from the bed to sit on the floor. It doesn't feel fair that after pining away for years he's now in more pain than ever before.

\---

When he hears that the Crofts are in Bath and have arrived to call on him, he has no choice but to try to greet chem cheerfully. It's nice to see friendly faces, but he doesn't much want to see anyone related to Adam. His father and sister aren't home, so he leads the guests into the drawing room, asking for news.

”Oh, no one talks about anything but the marriage!” Elisse says laughing.

”Marriage?” he asks, thinking he should perhaps pretend he hasn't heard about it.

”Why, yes! Louis Musgrove's!”

”I'm—I'm very happy for him, then,” Sauli manages to say.

”Yes, he's getting a fine husband. Louis says he's always wanted a captain for a husband. Although I must say we were all very surprised at the news.”

”Surprised? Was this not assumed by everyone?”

”Not at all!” Neil says. ”But luckily Adam is not a man to lose heart over something like this. No, he very honourably said the news brought him nothing but joy, and wished happiness for Louis and Captain Gray.”

He doesn't understand anything at all now.

”Captain Gray?” he says blankly. ”Are you saying that Louis is marrying Captain Gray and not Captain Lambert?”

Elisse looks at him as if he's extremely slow. ”Yes, that is what we're saying. You can hear more about it from Adam if you wish. He arrived in town last night.”

Adam is in Bath, and he's not getting married. Sauli sits down before his legs give up on him.

\---

The next morning Sauli is walking on the main street on his way to meet up with Niko for a morning stroll, like he had promised to him. He's wondering endlessly where he could try to meet Adam in a natural way, when it suddenly starts pouring down with rain. He escapes the rain to a tea shop, and as he's brushing raindrops from his navy blue coat, another person wrenches the door open and gets inside from the heavy rain. It's Adam.

”Captain,” Sauli says, and Adam turns to him, looking shocked to see Sauli there.

The sight of him makes Sauli's heart beat faster. Adam is in his black coat, and a few strands of his wet hair are plastered on his forehead. Adam just stares at him and steps very close, looking down into his eyes.

”I heard from your sister that you were in Bath,” Sauli says after a moment of silence.

”Yes, I... I have some business here,” Adam says. ”You must have also heard of the marriage, then.”

”I have. I was very surprised.”

”I was, too. It seems that they got very close when Louis stayed at the same house during his recovery. But he's made a good match.”

”And are you very disappointed?” Sauli asks hesitantly.

Adam looks startled. ”No, I—it became clear to me that I had given a wrong impression in regards to young Louis. I wasn't thinking. It was irresponsible. Maybe I was trying to make—well.” Adam looks away for a second before continuing. ”It seems to have turned out luckily. I didn't end up honour-bound to Louis, since he got infatuated with Captain Gray.”

Adam looks into his eyes and Sauli is transfixed. He's distantly aware of how very close they're standing, and Adam takes a step even closer so that Sauli has to tilt his head up.

”Louis is a fine young man,” Adam says quietly. ”But I can't help but wonder. Captain Gray's fiancé was an exceptional man. The love they had for each other was profound.” Adam is almost whispering now. ”A man cannot recover from such a passion. He should not. He... does not.”

He wants to—he wants to grab Adam by the lapels and drag him somewhere private, to ask what he means by that. But they're interrupted by the door opening, and again it's someone Sauli knows, it's Niko.

Adam takes a step back, to a distance that's more appropriate.

”There you are, my dear Sauli! I saw you from the window. The rain has passed as quickly as it came. Shall we go on?” Niko asks smiling.

”Yes, I guess we must. My cousin, Mr Koskinen,” Sauli introduces Niko to Adam, and the men bow at each other. Adam's bow is very stiff.

Niko offers his arm to Sauli and they turn to go, but Sauli stops and turns back to Adam. ”There's a concert tomorrow, if you're interested,” he says, thinking quickly to come up with circumstances where they might meet again. ”I know how much you love music.”

Adam doesn't say a word and just stands there, watching as they leave.

\---

The next evening it feels like he can't breathe until he spots Adam in a crowd of people. They don't get a chance to approach each other before the concert starts, as Sauli is whisked away to the seats by his family and Niko.

During the concert Sauli searches with his gaze until he spots Adam standing close to a wall. He's wearing his uniform, a serious expression on his face. During an intermission Sauli sees the conductor approach Adam and talk excitedly. At first Adam shakes his head politely, but Sauli can see that the conductor is persuading him to agree to something. During the second half of the program the conductor announces a surprise guest vocalist, and Adam takes the stage to loud delighted murmuring. The sound of his voice singing a melancholy song is so beautiful it leaves the room in stunned silence. There are tears in Sauli's eyes, but he's smiling so much that his face hurts. After Adam has left the stage but before the concert has ended, Sauli notices he's exiting the room.

He gets up and rushes after Adam, running once he's in a long hallway to catch up.

”Ad—Captain!” he says and Adam stops, turning around. ”Captain. Are you leaving?”

”Yes. But, I did in fact wish for a chance to speak with you, since I've been asked to deliver you some information.” Adam sounds completely blank. ”My brother-in-law Admiral Croft informed me today that it is assumed a marriage has been settled between you and Mr Koskinen. In that case he wants to offer his congratulations and tell you that they are ready to give up their lease of Kellynch Hall as soon as you and your husband wish to move there.”

He's stunned. ”Oh.”

”What should I tell him?” Adam asks, impatient.

”You can tell him that he is completely mistaken.”

”Mis—mistaken?” Adam's eyes bore into him.

”Yes. Nothing is settled between me and my cousin.”

Adam's mouth drops slightly open. Sauli doesn't get to explain any further, as yet again Niko interrupts them, coming to see why Sauli has exited the concert room. It's exasperating, to feel like they can get no chance to speak and understand what the other one is after. Adam tells him briefly goodnight, and walks away.

\---

There's a letter waiting for Sauli when he comes down the stairs in the morning. He recognises the handwriting on top immediately. He takes the letter back to his room and tears it open.

_Sauli. I write to you not knowing your thoughts or feelings. I'm half agony, half hope. I can't bear it any longer. I'm afraid my heart has reached its limit and if it has to now be broken again, I would rather know it quickly and deal with the pain than continue tormenting myself with feverish hopes. Half of me still hopes, you see, that you might feel something for me. I have resented you, I have been revengeful, but even if a wretched, weak and selfish part of me has wished to see you suffer like I have suffered, my broken heart has always been yours. I have loved no one but you. I do not know why you didn't push me away when I forced myself on you. I understand even less why you decided to give yourself to me that night. But I took it all gratefully, desperately, afraid to break the spell. Do you not see that I came to Bath only because of you? Have you not understood this? You have been driving me mad, first tempting me with your presence, then filling my thoughts every minute of the day. I offer myself to you now again, with a heart even more yours than all those years ago. I love you. A word, a look from you will be enough. Please tell me that I am not too late._

His hands are shaking. He runs down the stairs still holding the letter, almost bumping into his sister. ”What on earth are you doing?” she asks, annoyed.

”When was this letter delivered?” he asks, grabbing his sister's arm and almost shaking her.

”Sauli! I don't know, just now I suppose. Why?”

He doesn't answer, barging out of the door and trying to decide which way to go, finally choosing a direction that takes him to the center of the town.

He's running, evading people and carriages. He sees Elisse standing on a street corner.

”Oh! Sauli, you have just missed Adam. He told us he'd been to your house to leave a letter. He fancied a walk along the river and Neil went with him.”

He takes off again, laughing as he runs.

He sees them at the riverside, walking away from him. He runs to them, seemingly unable to stop until he collides with Adam, who steadies him with a firm grip.

He's trying to catch his breath, looking at Adam with wide eyes. He hears Neil exclaim surprise at seeing him, but tunes out quickly, hearing only a continuous murmur. Adam replies something to Neil, but doesn't remove his eyes from Sauli's. After a moment Sauli becomes aware that Neil has disappeared somewhere. It's just the two of them. They're staring at each other, and he must be smiling, because Adam is starting to smile wider and wider in response until he's grinning. It's easily Sauli's favourite sight in the whole world. Adam bends down to kiss him.


End file.
